I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
