You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
