dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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