News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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