She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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