this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
