I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
