Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
