my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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