So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
