I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
