fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
