I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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