I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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