Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
