Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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