Umm I'm too high to move.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
