My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
