i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
