I smell stomach acid.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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