I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
