Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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