The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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