If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
