Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
