my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
