turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
