Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
