I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
His hands were made for my vagina.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
