forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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