i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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