here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
