Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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