You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
