sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
