My Higher Power is John Stamos
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
