...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
