I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
