It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm like, not good at living.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
