Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
