i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
