so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
