i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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