wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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