His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
