Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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