she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
