mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
