It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
