mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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